I felt that I barely tried coming up with a title right there, but I needed to start somewhere—same goes for the scribble (if you can call it that) I did in GIMP here above.
There’s been nothing really going on this website, and it’s for reasons that I wish not to delve in because I simply don’t want to.
I give up before trying, for the most part, everything is too consuming of resources that I don’t have—like talent, skill, or things like money. Of course there’s the saying “start small,” but that feels lame to be honest, because even then, I will most likely never get around to getting to what I want to do or it’ll end up horrible and trash.
Like I once pondered about being a writer, but I think about how right now I’m behind on school work and the massive education, writing, and art block that I’m going through, knowing that I would never be successful or well praised for anything probably. Like right now, my paragraphs (if you can call them that) are short and super spaced out or separated when they most likely don’t have to. I could be wrong, but I see the pessimistic view true about myself.
Music, I look up to tracks that I think sound amazing and think “wow, I want to be good just like that, I want to make cool instrumentals and have a voice worthy of singing consistently or a flow that floats.” I open LMMS (a music making program) looking for where to start, but I give up instantly, knowing whatever I’ll make will never be finished and will suck most definitely. I consider learning the basics of how music works, but know that I’ll never retain all the information most likely and won’t apply it well. I have a keyboard, but I can’t play original tunes—still impressive, but still, shows that I’m not certainly skilled or have any talent worthy to present.
Computer programming, I haven’t touched it recently really, I have done some tutorials that I still have yet to finish, but feel like they don’t get me to what I want to ultimately want to do with it (again, starting small effing sucks).
School, currently behind on some work, I feel like I have little to no motivation for myself to do some of my English IV assignments. I felt I was at my peak when I was in English III in my junior year, but that peak has gone to rock bottom, nothingness. Algebra 2 has recently been great for me and has been my favorite class so far, my teacher does a great job of teaching. But this Friday, I felt that I had extreme difficulty trying to execute what I was taught, which was a bit unusual for me. I had me feeling down for a good minute, feeling that I failed myself, feeling ashamed.
This all brings me to my last point; I question myself if I’m even worthy of all the kindness and love that I get, I feel that I’m such a disappointment to myself. Unable to do the things that I want to do, never have the resources to do it, etc.
But I did feel some uplift yesterday, and it was with the song that I’m going to link, which made me nearly tear up because of how closely it hit me listening to the song for the first time.
So perhaps, not all hope is lost, I just gotta find my way around it all~