Wondrous nothingness.

I felt that I barely tried coming up with a title right there, but I needed to start somewhere—same goes for the scribble (if you can call it that) I did in GIMP here above.

There’s been nothing really going on this website, and it’s for reasons that I wish not to delve in because I simply don’t want to.

I give up before trying, for the most part, everything is too consuming of resources that I don’t have—like talent, skill, or things like money. Of course there’s the saying “start small,” but that feels lame to be honest, because even then, I will most likely never get around to getting to what I want to do or it’ll end up horrible and trash.

Like I once pondered about being a writer, but I think about how right now I’m behind on school work and the massive education, writing, and art block that I’m going through, knowing that I would never be successful or well praised for anything probably. Like right now, my paragraphs (if you can call them that) are short and super spaced out or separated when they most likely don’t have to. I could be wrong, but I see the pessimistic view true about myself.

Music, I look up to tracks that I think sound amazing and think “wow, I want to be good just like that, I want to make cool instrumentals and have a voice worthy of singing consistently or a flow that floats.” I open LMMS (a music making program) looking for where to start, but I give up instantly, knowing whatever I’ll make will never be finished and will suck most definitely. I consider learning the basics of how music works, but know that I’ll never retain all the information most likely and won’t apply it well. I have a keyboard, but I can’t play original tunes—still impressive, but still, shows that I’m not certainly skilled or have any talent worthy to present.

Computer programming, I haven’t touched it recently really, I have done some tutorials that I still have yet to finish, but feel like they don’t get me to what I want to ultimately want to do with it (again, starting small effing sucks).

School, currently behind on some work, I feel like I have little to no motivation for myself to do some of my English IV assignments. I felt I was at my peak when I was in English III in my junior year, but that peak has gone to rock bottom, nothingness. Algebra 2 has recently been great for me and has been my favorite class so far, my teacher does a great job of teaching. But this Friday, I felt that I had extreme difficulty trying to execute what I was taught, which was a bit unusual for me. I had me feeling down for a good minute, feeling that I failed myself, feeling ashamed.

This all brings me to my last point; I question myself if I’m even worthy of all the kindness and love that I get, I feel that I’m such a disappointment to myself. Unable to do the things that I want to do, never have the resources to do it, etc.

But I did feel some uplift yesterday, and it was with the song that I’m going to link, which made me nearly tear up because of how closely it hit me listening to the song for the first time.

So perhaps, not all hope is lost, I just gotta find my way around it all~

I feel lost

The lines I draw are too thin, they don’t stand out as grand as I want to intend, I feel bland in what I do. What to do when I feel like this? That I’m unsure of I’m afraid.

Back aching and hands unsteady, flawed but without a charm to compliment.

My words, they feel like nonsense to me and presumably others.

My formatting, messy and nearly incomprehensible, barely follow writing standards.

My direction, unclear and most times never goes anywhere.

Can barely make myself happy, I feel that I’ll never accomplish something I really want.

Time wasting, 17th birthday heading close and still haven’t accomplished anything noteworthy to me.

Too behind, got things that need to be done but feel lack of energy to do them and get stressed to do them or not do them.

Lonely, can barely talk or mingle with who I am or want to possibly be friends with because of anxiety, yet still crave interaction at the same time.

Too afraid to make a move, wish to not make the wrong decisions on accident but feel like I’m not living my life as much as the next person.

I feel like at this point, I don’t know who in the world I am, what I want, what to do, when to do it, where, how, and etc. What am I supposed to do at this point? I’ve considered just basically calling myself useless at this point, I can’t serve a specific or multiple purposes to fulfill, hopeless. I’m still stuck in the bars of what’s holding me back, don’t how to get outside of them, what am I supposed to do?

At this point, I’ll never be able to do anything it seems…

Change was necessary for a truer me.

Today marked a radical change for myself, a freeing one, like that of a dove being let out of a cage it has been in for a remarkable, wretched time. It was a cage of guilt, stress, and memories that have long gone sour since their incarnation of existence. There were people who I once thought were a close acquaintances of mine never really connected, in fact, they felt like unwanted reminders of things that happened in the past, things I’d rather let go of. But there was a select few of the bunch that I felt a spark of a real friendship, even one in particular, for they were not reminders of the past.

It is today that I mark this change in my life, to let go and cut off the suffering factors of my cage, the locks and chains that were preventing my want of endeavoring the rest of the outside world, to see people that I wanted to see and perhaps converse with and share among upon others. It was today that the dove was able to see the world, to see the ranges from high in the skies above the heads of spectators and live in it’s beautiful harmony.

🕊️ Change was necessary for a truer me.

What’s up dude? Where have you been?

Interesting question you ask there reader, the list goes as follows: I’ve been out of school for a couple of days to a low grade fever & playing catch up, picked up Vol 2 of the Urusei Yatsura manga as my own Christmas present, and have been curious in writing a book someday.

So for today and yesterday, I’ve been out of school, and was out for 3 days (and also cut into my break) for Flu type A a couple weeks back (if not mistaken). As for these recent two days, I took them off because of running a low grade fever and being unable to sleep, I mean it had me feeling like hell and tired, gotten better as of writing this and should be able to return to school the next day with a fair chunk of work already done while out. Yeah it’s been kinda hell to get caught up on all my work but it’s all coming together believe it or not. One assignment I’ve been needing to do for a long while now is my color wheel for Art II, which has been put on the back burner so many times because of inconveniences like being out, right now I feel so messy with how I should do it, but yet I’m sure that it can be done with the right organization.

As you may know, Christmas and other fellow holidays are upon us folks! Spread the cheer! Huzzah!… Yes that was exaggerated but I am somewhat in the spirit as of right now, not too crazy for things like presents or anything of that nature, still looking forward to the things me and the fam will receive/show and tell. But here’s an item I’m looking forward to (that I already know what it is since I bought it with my Mami), and that is the 2nd volume of the Urusei Yatsura manga! ^-^ How I knew about the franchise is a post for next time, but can provide an anecdote on me and the recent anime that came out recently! For those who don’t know, in October of this year, a second anime adaptation of Urusei Yatsura came out and I’ve been watching it with joy and get excited each time Thursday rolls around the corner to catch it (and a new ep is coming out tomorrow!); I could speak a lot about this right now but it would blow the proportion of what I aimed to speak about in this post, so stay tuned for a blog post about the franchise and how I (and my Mami) have been loving it!

Now about the whole book thing, that isn’t a really set/planned thing but an idea I’ve had recently. It comes from my recent interest in my English III class, which I’m backed up a little in funnily enough, recently we’ve read stories from Mark Twain and did an essay looking at the two stories and if they met up with Twain’s standards expressed in his essay “How to Write a Story”, in which he said (paraphrased) “the key to a good story with humor is to sneak it and for any story should be elaboration.” This really stuck with me and I think it’s what sparked this idea of me writing a book. The book type I have set in my mind is a fiction book, what it’ll be about I’m unsure of, but the possibilities are endless and exciting to reach and achieve, the ideas I could put in there and express, the influences I could take inspiration from, like Twain and (once I get around the corner of reading a good portion her works to back up my claims of inspirations from) Rumiko Takahashi. I could start baby steps and write words and ideas that come up first thing in my head on a piece of scrap paper or in my journal once in while, like even maybe during school, perhaps it could start that way.

Well, looks like I should hit the hay shortly here, I’ll see ya’ll, take care and hope to post here again soon! 😉

My three day hospital stay

The IV I got in the ER, it was nicely done. I was a bit nervous about myself bending my arm in a way that would stab me, but the nurse in my hospital room offered to put a cover over the IV, so that way I couldn’t do what I was fearing. It helped out a lot and lessened my anxiety about it by a huge tenfold.

Last Friday, I was discharged from the hospital, I’m thankful to be out this situation alive and well. From what the doctors & nurses told, I had a partially deflated lung. It was theorized by one of the nurses that it was from my forceful vomiting, from the nausea I had from the gas in my chest, or what I thought was gas in my chest.

It started around near afternoon, during my second period class, I had a sudden growing gas like pain within my chest & neck. It then got gradually harder to breathe over time, which I think initiated my nausea, triggering the forceful vomiting at afternoon (I think at least). I felt like the vomiting would help get the burden off me and I could start breathing normally again, but low and behold, it seemed to do the exact opposite or had no effect for the better.

It was really weird being admitted to the hospital for practically the first time, but then again, it felt like a nice opportunity to look at my life and the local area around me. It was as if life were at a stand still, a pause perhaps, quite a unique feeling indeed. The room I had helped out a lot with this too, considering I’m an Aquarius and was given this aquatic themed room, for I’ve always envisioned an imaginary place (like a sea’s shore) where I could treasure things like memories there and as a place of relaxation & rest.

*The hospital room I had, decorated with painted portraits of sea life; including Sea Turtles, Jellyfish, Seahorses, & a type of Angel Fish.*

It honestly surprised me how well I went through all of this, especially considering I’ve never had an IV before or even got a CT scan (man that contrast dye felt weird and cool lol), I made it through it all like it was nothing. I was expecting to be scared of doing everything and panic attacking before I did something I haven’t done before, I’m still proud of myself for not getting like that, it feels like a sign that I’ve grown in strength as a person. It was like, next thing you know, I’m out of the hospital and playing some songs on Madrina’s SiriusXM like every other time we hang out.

But with that said, I’m glad that my breathing has recovered to practically full capacity, it was worrying me as much as it did with the rest of my family. So as of now, I look towards getting caught back up on my school work, spending time with the fam, and doing all the fun things I love to do.

Onset of Fall Break!

Fall break is approaching and I have a lot of things on my mind right now, a couple of them include obtaining my driver’s permit and moving out with my Mami and Madrina. These things are looking more possible now that I got all of my late work finished before the deadline today, which were from days I was out sick, I feel proud of myself for accomplishing this. It definitely feels like a weight off my shoulders and feel like I can now be able to focus on other things during break.

Communication has been improved I feel since I started public school, the majority of people who have talked to me and with have been nice. It was much different than how it was for me in elementary and middle school, it feels more mature and up to par with how my style is, feels really good honestly. Been a while since I’ve contacted friends I have over the internet since I was caught up and focusing on work. Hoping maybe to talk to em again over break if possible, but if I don’t they’ll know it’s not personal and we’re still cool.

Although, to be honest with all of you, I think I might miss school a bit over break. It’s been a pleasant and amazing experience, I don’t think I’ve ever got this much happy to go to school like this before, there’s so many positive feelings I’m having that probably don’t even have words for them. Perhaps maybe I’ll stroll along town and go to it’s park more often with my Mami and/or Madrina whenever possible, the town is much more beautiful to me every time I go to and from school, it feels like a breath of much needed air to me.

You know, maybe I’ll volunteer here when I graduate from here and have the time to do so, the facility is incredibly nice. Perhaps maybe I’ll even help with networking or hell even become a teacher if I go to college for it! I bet I could be awesome with teaching, just gotta learn really well in college and ace my ACT so I’ll be accepted, I could do anything I set my mind to! Look at me, I’m just pumped up and feeling great, I’m just in awe right now just typing this! I’m think I’m going to miss going here once I graduate from senior year, it’s insane thinking that I’ll be a legal adult by the time I graduate, I’m getting too old!!!

I really want to do good in school, I want to be able to succeed and feel proud of my life, be able and talented to all types of things. Part of me wants to practice stuff I’ll be learning in advance so I can for sure be ready to pass my classes, be able to ace the ACT, prove myself against the odds. I’m probably sounding like a broken record at this point but I’m just so damn happy right now, I feel like my life is heading into the right direction. Sure I’m going to have bumps and slight let downs in parts of the road, but nothing too bad that I’ll fail to succeed, I’m set to pass!

But in the meanwhile, some of the things I’d like to do include taking care of my body misalignment, I got an X-ray the other day and looking forward to the treatments that they would recommend. Hopefully they say I can see a chiropractor or seek physical therapy, I’m slightly fearing that they’ll say surgery but I highly doubt it’ll succumb to that. Plus I look forward to making some more artwork, currently got a color wheel I’m working on for Art II that we were going to finish up after Fall Break, but I decided to maybe work on it some at home since I have some acrylic paints if I’m not mistaken. That aside, I was thinking conducting personal projects alongside it, Furdy’s Maya the Mako Shark is still on my mind. My Mami came up with a really cool idea of her cosplaying Minnie Mouse after seeing my recent sketch of her, which I shared on Twitter, as she said the eyelashes reminded her of Minnie Mouse’s!

Overall, although I’m gonna miss going to school, I still got a lot of cool things to look towards in the upcoming next week when my break begins. I’m feeling really great right now thinking about the future and its positive outlook so far, there’s a really great chance that we’ll be able to achieve our goal of moving out that we’ve been longing to accomplish. In the meantime, I think I might try to relax and write in my journal even more often, much like I’ve been doing recently in this Mead notebook I obtained from Target in another city!

Here’s to great success! salud!

Hello from school!

Currently logged into this blog on a classroom Chromebook, my advisor allowed us to have some free time for a little bit. I haven’t been able to ssh into my laptop at home, I think the school network admin disabled connecting to other servers via ssh on port 22, might need to change the port at home so I can bypass the block.

Also today was picture day and I forgot to shave… well shucks. Oh well, can’t blame myself since my throat was extremely sore again today, doing better now though!

Update: Just returned from lunch and holy molly was that really good, I think I was really hungry, still a bit hungry even. The lunch items I had were beef taco, refried beans, fries, and a banana; all so incredibly delicious, makes me wonder what they serve in the mornings!

Sketches I made during school and I got Strep throat!

*The note at the bottom was for a classmate who had to communicate in sign language and was temporarily deaf at the time, reassuring her I’ll do better as much as possible if this happens again.*

I thought I’d share these sketches I’ve made during school, considering I’m gonna be out for rest of the week due to Strep throat, so I thought might as well!

Also context on why I’m out from school temporarily; my mamí got emailed from the school, notifying her that I’ve been in direct contact with a student who tested positive for Covid. Thankfully I already have all my Covid shots plus boosters, but I did notice my throat got sore yesterday and the other day. Went to a walk in clinic today to get my test for Covid, which turned out to be negative thank goodness, but they were seeing something in my throat and decided to test for Strep. Lo and behold, I was positive for strep, which really stinks, but thankfully I’ll be able to return to school on Monday with the help of antibiotics I got prescribed.

Wish me luck and best of wishes to all of ya! 😉

I’m able to go back to public school!

Didn’t get it done today, but we did get a callback stating we’re able to go, yay!

Btw, there was this really nice girl, about my age, who let me have a seat next to her while waiting for the counselor to see me and mami, which really made my day. She was super cute too, should’ve gotten her name, but I hope to see her again in school, looking forward to doing something for her in return! 💚

Heading back to public high school in person

It sounds possibly fun and stressful at the same time…

There’s lots of effing complicated factors about why, but the main reason is back in 2020, the school attempted to make me go to in person learning, since I was doing remote and was behind, plus the year was 2020, Covid was at a high peak where they were. There was no way I was going to put myself in danger of Covid then, there weren’t even vaccines yet for my age; because even if I wore a mask, everyone was likely to go maskless, since my state’s idiotic governor thought it should “be the parents’ decision to let their child have a mask or not”, even though the CDC heavily stated everyone needs to. It was then my family decided to go through an online school in order to avoid this risk, which worked out okay, honestly I was lagging behind a bit, but was able to obtain a good GPA still thankfully.

Now that I’m out of that, we thought I could maybe go back to public now that Covid is somewhat eased up, I feel much more safer now that I got the vaccine (thank goodness for them). The only sort of problem was that the school told us I couldn’t come back, but would later learn that was complete BS, as my psychologist informed that it’s in fact illegal for a school to tell you that or reject you.

There’s just a lot of fear I’m having about going back recently, and I was more positively looking at it a few months back, mostly uncertainty I would describe it as. I feel that if I go off and attempt to list reasons of why, I’d probably type garbled nonsense, so I’ll leave at uncertainty. It feels like the clock is ticking to my breaking point, it just feels like odds are pressing against me at the hardest pressure, a lot of them being personal.

Maybe I’m just too fearful, might not be too bad, going to do my best nonetheless.